|Posted on June 30, 2011 at 12:38 PM|
There was a time when I was unsettled by unexplained phenomena; you know, the things that go bump in the night! The fear of the unknown use to scare the hell out of me, I hated the dark and would sleep with the landing light on, well into adulthood.
There’s so much about my life that defies explanation; I’m not a ‘bad’ person, I might have done some stupid things, made bad choices, but then who hasn’t? No matter how hard I try to reconcile all the ‘wrong’ in my life, or attempt to turn desperate situations into purpose I’m continually left sinking in quick sand, or swimming against the tide… Wishing, hoping, longing and yes, SO very often praying! I guess the message I grew up with was… Nothing is ever so bad, there’s always a solution, and we do have choices. However life has taught me that actually; life can indeed be really bad! Solutions aren’t always easy to find, and choice is a luxury.
The greatest gift we can be blessed with is good health; something many take for granted. Those of us who battle every single day with debilitating illness would trade all the money in the world to live a life free from pain and malady. Illness eradicates the freedom of choice; it enforces restriction on what we can do, and can destroy ones ability to maintain employment. The belief that life on sickness benefit is easy couldn’t be further from reality. As an intelligent, self respecting individual I find the mere process demeaning, humiliating and tragically hard. Many of you reading this will be aware of my current campaign addressing the unreliable ‘all for one’ work test the government have implemented. It’s my aim to raise awareness of the plight sufferers of chronic illness face, and encourage a more lenient, empathetic approach to reassessment. It is unjust and immoral to continue putting ‘sick’ people through the current means of testing.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve cried into my pillow at night. Losing my job and home as a direct result of ill health was devastating; looking ahead at a bleak future is soul destroying. Unpredictability makes it impossible to plan anything, I don’t know how I’ll feel, or which symptom will rear its ugly head day to day. I have little energy and miss out on planned events with family and friends, as all too often I’m forced to cancel.
You know the saying… “Life is a bitch” Well for some, it really is!
Last night I became overwhelmed with fears for the future and all too quickly was consumed with negativity. Sometimes I’ll wake in the night choking and gasping for breath, I don’t know why this happens I haven’t mentioned it to my doctor as I’m choosing to believe it’s a manifestation of anxiety… I couldn’t face yet another medical referral! However, to wake alone in the dead of night fighting for breath is terrifying. As I turned off the bedside lamp and settled down under the duvet I said a silent prayer; I prayed for strength to see me through the next day and a peaceful nights sleep. I awoke calmly this morning to discover my bedside lamp glowing brightly beside me and music playing from the radio channel on the TV. I might be a ‘Lupie’ (the endearing name Lupus sufferers give each other) but I do know I turned both off last night; the remote for the TV was left by its side… How bizarre! Bizarre it might appear, nevertheless comforting for me.
The unexplained has happened many times, particularly over the last year! Often I feel I’m being guided and inspired to pursue writing. I have no idea how my ability to write verse transpired. I went to sleep one night over a year ago; I was physically and mentally drained, and so desperately sad. I prayed again for strength; for life to provide a sense of meaning, a purpose amidst adversity.
The next day, overcome with emotion I penned my first poem… “Do Not Judge.” For weeks I was compelled to keep writing. I was writing verse in my head, whilst in the shower, driving my car; anywhere and everywhere, it was truly surreal! Now I look at my little book ‘out there’ and wonder how it all began… Suddenly, from nowhere!
Since the publication of ‘Raw Emotion’ I’ve been inspired to write and produce a new range of inspirational cards. ‘Original Raw Emotion’ Tender words from the heart. I’ve taken delivery of two print runs and am proud to see the finished cards. I can’t work for an employer, I can go days without the energy to even get dressed. But what I can do is utilise my emotional energy and create beautiful verse in my head…
“I’m thankful for the place I go
When my life is filled with dread,
The comforting place called sanctuary
I found it in my head.”
I guess last night my prayers were answered; the negativity had been replaced with a renewed sense of optimism on waking today. I’m fuelled with desire to explore this inspirational opportunity and create a means of working from home within the constraints of my illness; one that will alleviate the constant financial burden I carry each day. However, above all I want to share my verse and will stop at nothing until I see ‘Original Raw Emotion’ in shops up and down the country.
I’ve contacted the department for work and pensions to discuss my business initiative in an attempt to seek some kind of support; surely they would welcome someone trying to ‘help themselves‘… Alas it would appear there isn’t support other than the permitted week scheme! So, for now I’m left struggling through the fog, I have absolutely no business acumen which is making the process even more daunting, however I do have an ex husband who is an accountant and a number of old friends who are astute business men… Perhaps it’s time to dig out my address book!
My lovely late nana always believed that things were sent for a purpose. When life is tough, when we are overwhelmed with difficulties it is SO hard to find reason but slowly in time reason becomes clearer and right now I have never been more clearer about my ‘reason.’
Thank you for reading, that’s if you made it to the end! And… watch this space :-)