Your Story... Julie's, Nikki's, Karen's, Bec's, Mena's & Jeanette's brave stories.
If you would like to share your story to be included on this page, you can go to the Contact me/Submit story tab, complete the form and press submit. All the stories are published exactly as received.
Jeanette's Story... Shared on the 10th August 2010
My name is Jeanette and I am a former actress in my 30's... I have left acting since I was in my 20's... you may ask why? That is how my story begins...
I will purposely not mention my country or specific names of people for privacy and security, but all that I share now are exactly how things are.
Growing up, I was raised in a religious background by my grandmother and was raised by a single parent... This shall be the outline of my journey.
My grandfather was a radio, tv, & film producer and so at 9 years old, I was a child actress for a television soap. Working with adults and professional actors honed my skills and disciplines early in life. I learned to be courteous, to be punctual and to take acting seriously. I was working 3 times a week for more than 8 hours taping a show. For that reason, school became too hard for me to cope with. I did not go on to pursue college for the schedule was impossible and I was already earning a lot. I had everything I needed and knew people of influence and was already given special treatment.
Until my grandfather died when I was a teenager and I had to work outside of our production as a free lance actress at 18 years old. Then my realization set in. It is hard not to have your own company... having your grandfather produce your shows. The entertainment industry is exciting and yet fleeting. Everything is fleeting... friendships, popularity and even the money that you earn. The lifestyle is so high that you had to keep up with everyone and everything. I was lost, unhappy and confused.
The real shocker to me was when... Nobody and no producer would give me work unless I strip on camera... At that time, a trend was happening to the industry... Many young girls as young as 16 were stripping and doing nudity. I was 18, I was of legal age. There was no excuse I can give them not to do it to boost my career as an actress... for even more popular stars than I was at that time, male or female, were willing to do love scenes. I was trapped and torn between my aim for stardom and my conviction as a girl decently raised by my grandparents.
It was also at this time that I found out that my mother has not saved a single cent from my earnings and no property was to my name. I lived only with my mom and my sister for our parents were divorced. At this time, I found that I had nothing... If I don't strip, I do not get offers, I will not make it big and if I don't make it big... I have nothing. I do not know anything except the world of show business. Somewhere inside me said... It was better to lose everything than to lose myself and my sole in the process. I knew that with the little strength that I have and with my indentity of myself intact... It was better to find a new life.
Unsure and fearful... I walked away from it all.. from everything and everyone that was taking so much of me... Even from my own mother... With no savings and no place to stay I left all and searched for another kind of life. I told myself that if I can be strong and would only choose to do only good things... something good can come back to me.
I learned to ride public transportation, to mingle with people and to work odd jobs. People would recognise me and some will show pity on their faces and some a smirk at how lowly I had become. Many times my life would be in danger of all sorts... even of rape... But some unseen force and strength kept me walking away from it all unharmed.
I have experienced almost everything hard for a young lady... not having sleep, not having money for food and a place to stay in... With no one I could trust and no clear hope for anything I said a prayer... That if anyone up there is real and if HE can see how I am having a hard time right now just because I chose to be a person of morals... that if HE can snap me away from all this and reward me for just even trying... To please show me that there is justice and mercy and kindness in this world.
Not longer than 2 months I met an old couple who treated me like a daughter and showed me how to earn millions in their business. I learned all that I can from them with all the skills and discipline my early acting career taught me.
In 1 year, I earned a million in the same business they are in and the couple made me their business associate. After I have secured that I had enough money without having to work everyday... Itold myself that I will travel and see the world and make myself forget the years of struggling and fighting to live upright.
I did just that... For 3 years now... I have been traveling and seeing the world without having to worry about money coming in... I live as free as a bird, as luxurious as a princess and I have my dignity and inner strength intact.
... There is indeed mercy... There is justice from a Higher Being... who will hear a simple prayer that comes from a positive trusting heart. This is my story and this I hope will be your story of encouragement when you find yourself alone in your quest for success...
" There is indeed a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and it's coming your way"
THANK-YOU TO JEANETTE FOR SHARING HER STORY. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE A COMMENT FOR JEANETTE PLEASE GO TO HER MEMBER PROFILE @jtsworldcolours EITHER SEND A PRIVATE MESSAGE OR POST A COMMENT ON HER WALL.
Mena's Story... Shared on the 29th June 2010
I don't really know where to begin but I will try and tell my story and make it as short as possible. I had a relatively good enough childhood but never really got on with my mum. She always wanted and needed attention and her temper was awful. I don't remember a morning where she never shouted at us. My dad worked hard and still does, but nearly always took her side. I left school at 17 because she said I needed a job, at 18 I met my future hubby he was my first love but mum hated him and never allowed me to take him home and would beat me if I was 5 mins late for my midnight curfew. My dad never helped me or intervened. These beatings continued for over a year before I couldn't take anymore and took an overdose. Luckily my friend found me and got me to the hospital. Dad was the one who came to the hospital for me and he was crying and he said sorry. When I got home mum waited till dad went to work and told me I was a mental case and was going to get me admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I knew I had to get away.
So, long story short I ran away to my future hubbys which was 30 miles away. His family were amazing, his mother was more like a mother to me than my own mum. I started having panic attacks then but I didn't realise it at the time so I just plodded on. Then we engaged and I decided to tell my mum and dad, they were ok about it and started arranging the wedding. But of course mum wanted it done her way or no way.
I've been married 15 yrs and have 2 beautiful sons who keep me going but of course my mum has always been in the background making trouble and telling everyone she has cancer (which I don't believe) because she never lost her hair even though she claims to be having chemo. She has my dad so worried and running after her but he can't see past her. You are probably wondering why the hell do I keep in contact with her but it's for my dads sake. She is good to her grandkids but thats where it ends. I could never rely on her for anything. My depression and panic attacks have gradually gotten worse over the last few years and my hubby has been good. But then last year I found out he had been ringing sex lines for years then blaming me for having a huge phone bill. I was devastated and was going to leave him but gave him another chance, he promised never to do it again but how wrong was I. I caught him out countless times since June last year and then 3 weeks ago I found out he had been ringing prostitutes, although he swears he has never been with them I don't believe him. Again stupid me decided to give him another chance. I'm just getting more depressed by the day because my perfect life with my 1st and only love has been a lie. I have no-one to turn to as my mum wouldn't want to know and I have no real friends. I'm crying as I write this but I feel my 2 boys are the only reason I'm still on the planet.
I hope I haven't bored you, this is the shortened version.... I could go on all night.
THANK-YOU TO MENA FOR SHARING HER STORY. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR MENA PLEASE GO TO HER MEMBER PROFILE, EITHER SEND A PRIVATE MESSAGE OR POST A COMMENT ON HER WALL.
Bec's Story... Shared on the 28th June 2010
Having read some of the story's already posted on here I felt I had to write my own, I wanted to share my experiences . Having been through such a lot in my life I thought it would be best broken into sections.
I am the youngest of four, I have two brothers who are 10 and 11 years older than me and a sister 6 years older. My mum had a shotgun wedding at 18, had my eldest brother and fell pregnant again almost immediately, her husband then left her and emigrated to Australia and they never heard from him again until my brothers were in their 30's. She met another man and had my sister who was also a useless article of a father and she was once again left alone. My dad came along 25 years her senior and once again she became pregnant, with me. All of my mothers partners were alcoholics, but my father was also very abusive, physically mentally and sexually, both to my mother and siblings. As a young child I lived in total fear and was always incredibly nervous that what they were getting would happen to me. As I was his blood child it seems I had some immunity to it all, but that could have been because I was so young.
Throughout my childhood we were living on the poverty line, with xmas gifts coming from donated charities, along with clothes etc. We were visited regularly by officials checking up on our welfare, but my mum and dad were clever and just pulled the wool over their eyes. My father would lock the food cupbard so most of the time we were starving hungry, my mum worked so my brothers and sister were left mainly to look after me. We were taken into care at one stage not because of the abuse but because we had nowhere to live, when they did find somewhere it was only me and my sister who came home, both my brothers remained in care, to which they were grateful. Thankfully when I was about 7 our neighbour wrote to Nan in Australia and told her if she didn't get us away from my father she would have no family to come back to, she returned and a few months later we left my dad for good, I never saw or heard from him again and recently found out he had died in 1981.
I was the fortunate one as this move enabled me to have a reasonable childhood for the latter part of it, something which my siblings have not been able to have. Although having seen and heard so much at a young age it had a profound effect on me in later life and the guilt that I felt for being the catalyst that had caused the beatings my siblings had received on so many occasions, if he returned home and I was crying (as babies/toddlers have a habit of doing for little or no reason) As I got older I understood this more and more and did not deal with it very well. At 16 I had my first bout of what I know now to be depression and tried to end my life. Thankfully I was not successful, this seemed to cause something in me to click and I really felt like a different person.
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MUM
The bottom line is my mum was weak, she was always so frightened of being on her own that she would put up with men who treated her badly and turned a blind eye to the pain of her children as she felt she was unable to fight back or she would be alone. She wasn't a bad person she loved us, she just loved being with a man more I guess. She remarried when I was about 11 to a Spaniard who was actually completely different to all the previous men, he loved her to bits and and for the first time she seemed really happy. He was also great with me, had I realised it at the time! Unfortunately when I was in my early teens my mum started to have various illness. First it was women's problems and she had a hysterectomy, then she was diagnosed with severe back problems having to have some discs removed and being in hospital for several months. I was having to do more at home, which I resented. My friends would be out having fun and I would have to either be visiting hospital or helping with my nan, who also lived with us. My brothers had never returned home after being in care and my sister left at 16 so most of the time it was just me, which I hated. My nan died just before I turned 16 and as she was the link holding everything together it all fell apart for me and I too decided at 16 to leave home. My mum was devastated by my leaving.
About a year after this my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had been hiding the lump for months as she was too frightened to acknowledge it, the lump was the size of an orange by the time she saw the doctor. I felt awful, if I had still been at home would she have told me and dealt with it sooner? The lump was too big for a lumpectomy and she had to have the whole breast removed, no reconstructive surgery was offered in those days so she was given a prosthesis to wear in her bra instead. She went through some chemotherapy and they told her that it was all ok. In 1990 she became very unwell with pleurisy, the doctor sent her for tests which confirmed the cancer had come back but this time in the lung. She had more chemo and radiation therapy but although she fought it right to the end she passed away in 1993, I was 23 and she was 53.
LIFE AS AN ADULT
At 17 I fell in love and thought that it was forever. I became pregnant at 18 and had my beautiful daughter 7 weeks before my 19th birthday. I had a good job and lived with her dad in a rented flat and I thought everything was rosey. One day I decided to remove my rose coloured glasses and saw my life for what it really was. I lived in a flat full of other people's cast offs, barely scraping by working all the hours God sent, hardly seeing my daughter and the man who said he adored us spent all the money for our bills, and to this day I don't know what on. I was terrified of a knock on the door or a letter through the post wondering how I was going to make ends meet, meanwhile putting on a brave face and pretending everything was alright. He lied to me and everyone else continuously which made me have to lie too or I would lose face in front of family and friends. I would come home from work and he would have taken anything worth having to the pawn shop and it would never be seen again. So I left him, I took my 18 month old daughter and we were put into a mother and baby home. He stopped bothering to see her by her 2nd birthday.
At 21 I started seeing someone, and unfortunately I am one of the 0.01% of people whom the pill is unsuccessful as I quickly became pregnant, he was thrilled, which made it all the more difficult for me. I was devastated my daughter was only 2 and 1/2 and I was living in my mothers pub. I did have a good job but this wasn't what I planned for my life, then I had a threatened miscarriage, which made me feel guilty. So my wonderful son was born in 1991 and I had got a rented flat which we were now all living in. This is when my mums cancer returned and turned my life upside down. I spent all my time taking her to hospital and visiting her, that I didnt realise I never knew this man I lived with. He was looking after the children while I took care of mum. One day I made an offhand comment about being married one day and my mum wouldn't be there to see it. This was more an acceptance that she was close to the end rather than a need to be married. But that was it 2 weeks later we had a full church wedding with all the trimmings, all the time I felt like I was on a roller-coaster I couldn't get off. I wanted to scream NO I don't want to marry you I hardly even know you but I felt powerless and was being swept away by everyones involvement in the planning. Needless to say my mum died 6 weeks after the wedding and I was left with this man I barely knew and didn't really like that much and I felt trapped, angry, bitter and weak. The things I despised most about other people for being in a relationship that was no good. He was at times violent but never hitting me just walls and smashing things usually after drinking, I was frightened of himI knew I had to end it but was very scared of his reaction. I eventually told him I wanted to leave, but he refused, what could I do? He said he wouldn't go and leave his kids. He would not let me grieve my mum, shouting at me if he found me crying. I became very withdrawn and emotions were building up.
One day he said he would leave as it was clear to him that I wasn't going to try anymore. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, it was hard for the kids as he had been a good dad to them. Then the manipulation and anger started. He offered to look after them one night while I went out and was asleep on the sofa when I returned. I went to bed and awoke a later with him standing over the bed staring at me, I sat up and he tried to strangle me I fought him off and made him leave the flat. I realised then I was right, he was capable of the violence to me I had always feared. Once again I fell into a depression, doctors said it was due to my mum dying and not being able to grieve. He used the children as a weapon for a while then stopped bothering. He last saw our son 6 years ago when he was 13, my son told me he hated going to see him, this hurt me as I thought they got on.
When I was 25 I met someone new, we eventually married and bought our first house and life was wonderful. we jogged along together nicely and for the first time I thought I was truly happy. I fell pregnant due to a doctors cock- up and when I told him he said I had to have a termination as he didn't want anymore children. He ignored me for 3 weeks and said if I kept it he would leave me. I couldn't have a termination as I wanted this child more than anything now it was here, but I also loved my husband and didn't know what to do. I miscarried the baby and he was so awful to me, leaving me alone at the hospital to have the scan etc as he said he was hungry and tired. This marked the beginning of the end for me, how could he treat me like this. Once again the depression arrived and this time it took hold, I told my husband I wasn't happy and that he needed to go so that we could move forward. he did and we started to see each other to talk and go on dates, we did couples counselling and decided he should move back in the house. Two days later he left and I found out he had been having an affair. I was referred for CBT counselling and it was the best thing I have ever done. It made me see things I had never realised before. I saw the pattern of the useless men I had been picking and that I had never had anyone take care of me before, ever. I had spent my life guilty for things I had no control over and lived in fear of being like my mum when that is exactly the pattern my life was following.
I am now with a lovely man who takes care of me I have 2 wonderful children and my partner has 2 lovely children too and we are making a life together based on love, respect, trust and balance and I know that I have this because I deserve it, I deserve the best life can give me from a relationship, everyone does.
Unfortunately my health isn't good, apart from the 3 instances of depression which have been scattered throughout my life I had been relatively healthy. I have had for several years abnormal liver function tests, this lead to the removal of my gall bladder in 2008 but it did not rectify the LFT's, since then I have been getting more and more problems. Fatigue, insomnia pain in my abdomen, pain and loss of feeling in my legs, numbness in my arms and pain in my back and neck. I have been off work since November 2009 and have been undergoing various tests at the hospital. Some days I am unable to get of bed the pain is so bad and others I struggle to walk. I get headaches if I overdo things and this combined with the pain I get all the time Is just wearing me down. The hospital keep changing my consultant so I am getting nowhere, they just see me as a name not a person and it is getting me down, as I feel like I am existing and not living. My partner was so concerned that he took me to see a private consultant a few weeks ago who said he thinks I may have ME so now I am being referred to see a rheumatologist to see if I can get some sort of diagnosis. Meanwhile I have been off work so long they are no longer paying me SSP, and seemingly as I have no diagnosis as yet I doubt if I will be able to return to work before they decide to let me go. Every day I get increasingly more frustrated with it all and wonder if this is how it will always be, If so I don't know if I can cope. I am trying very hard not to slip down the slippery slope of depression again but I feel so alone and isolated that its becoming increasingly more difficult to remain positive.
I know this has been a bit like War & Peace, this is the edited version, it's a good purge process to get it all down and hopefully if I comment on anyones stories you will understand where I am coming from. Despite this seeming quite negative story I am a very positive person and I certainly don't wallow in the past, it just make us who we are.
Thank-you for reading (especially if you got this far)
THANK-YOU TO BECS FOR SHARING HER STORY. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR BECS PLEASE GO TO HER MEMBER PROFILE, EITHER SEND A PRIVATE MESSAGE OR POST A COMMENT ON HER WALL.
Karen's Story... Shared on the 8th June 2010
This is my story- I thought Julie was brave to post hers.
I'm not sure where to begin, I'd like to say I haven't had the hardships that some have had, although my Father would possibly diasagree with that. Mind you he disagrees with everything I say.
Well lets begin somewhere near the beginning. My parents had two children, then my Mother who also suffered with depression decided she couldn't cope, so left my brother and I in the care of an Aunt, who then passed us onto my Grandmother, as my Father was away at sea ( in the navy). We then spent my happiest years there until my Father met and married my step mother (when I was 5). Then they had my lovely sister (when I was 8). I think my step mother and I struggled from a very early time to to get along and never quite got there. So childhood was a struggle then I got to my teenage years when the depressive episodes started. Mostly me flying off the handle although I truly remember very very little. Although I do recall my Father taking me to a psychiatrist once, who made me draw houses... Never understood that at all. They gave us a vitamin supplement and sent us on our way.
All this time I had no contact with my birth Mother. My Father was furious with her and remained that way for a very long time. When my brother turned 18 she wrote to him. I found the letter, wrote to her and arranged to meet her, all behind my Dads back. Obviously he found out and went mad. Things went wrong continuously from there until I left home just before my 18th Birthday. I couldn't keep a regular job at all and was rapidly going down a very bad path until I met a "man". Sadly not the right one for me, but I didn't find out until a lot further down the line. He was 11 years older than me and already had 3 children of his own, and an ongoing custody battle which I got involved in... Then started having my own children, still battling crazy depression. Well, having children made it worse, as I then suffered post-natal depression, had 1 son lost another. then had a 3rd, which while it sounds awful I was absolutely destroyed that he was a boy... I'd hoped for a girl then stop, and that would be it for me. The poor child had a difficult start with breathing difficulties and a constant cold! He seemed to cry non-stop and I mean non-stop... It was awful I never slept and neither did he. In the end I called social services and they came and put him in respite foster care for a week, and then with a childminder to give me a break. Strangely it worked for both of us. It all seemed to calm down for a couple of years both the children were in school and then I got pregnant again, damned pill! I had a girl, but it didn't improve my mental state. I could never understand that. I should have been happy, but I wasn't. I chose to go back to work when my daughter was 6 months old. Then she contracted meningicoccal septacaemia ( not sure if that's spelt right ) It's damaged her hearing and some of her mental developmenta, but she's doing very well. But it made me paranoid and even more obsessive.
In all this time I still had no mental assessment of myself and I gradually started to go further downhill. I struggled to stay in work until 2003 when I was spiralling out of control, not sleeping, not eating and barely able to move from the house. Then I found the internet, had an affair, left the family home once, returned then left again. This time moving 250 miles away with nothing except a months pay and a very kind friend to put me up. I left the kids with their Dad as I couldn't cope with them all the time. So I started again with nothing, and I finally got diagnosed with bi-polar, it explained a lot not everything as I also struggle hormone therapy which is why the pill never worked for me.
Anyway that's it really. I moved up north, struggled for a long time and am now in a stable job ( for the time being) My kids forgave me to a certain extent, and moved up to be with me in the last year. We're financially settling down and learning to be a family again. My ex is elsewhere living it up, the boys don't talk to him anymore and daughter longs for the attention, she'll never get that from him. Whether I'll be able to help her through it only time will tell. lets hope that's all she will have to deal with.
Those of you who know me from the Hysterectomy site will know that I continually struggle with depression and I'm having 50/50 days right now. So my struggle is not over. Again I'm with Julie, please don't judge, I made mistakes and I'm definitely not perfect nor will I ever be...
One day and one step at a time!
THANK YOU TO KAREN FOR SHARING HER STORY. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR KAREN PLEASE GO TO HER MEMBER PROFILE, EITHER SEND A PRIVATE MESSAGE OR POST A COMMENT ON HER WALL.
Nikki's Story... Shared on the 5th June 2010
If you would like to read Nikki's story please go to the members page.
Nikki's story can be read on Nikkiseven's profile.
THANK-YOU TO NIKKI FOR SHARING HER STORY... IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE NIKKI A MESSAGE YOU CAN EITHER SEND A PRIVATE ONE OR POST A COMMENT ON HER WALL.
Julie's Story... Shared on 24th May 2010
My name is Julie and I am 41 years old. Life is never easy and some times is too much to bear. Now that sounds like a really depressing start to my story but right now things are a little tough.
Clive and I met three years ago, hit it off immediately, separated from our partners and moved in together only two months later. We consulted with our five (between us) teenaged kids who were all happy with the union.
Last year I went bankrupt and it came out that I had taken a loan out for a while against my old property (but I completely wrongly signed it in joint names as I was desperate) and I was arrested. The result was that my Dad loaned me the money to pay it all off to avoid me getting into serious trouble. I agreed to pay the loan back over a number of years on a monthly basis.
My dear Dad collapsed on 3rd November last year and, after tests which showed he had aggressive terminal lung cancer, he died three weeks later. To complicate things further, his funeral was only ten days before my wedding to Clive on the 18th December. We all agreed that it was what Dad would have expected and we all went ahead making it a happy/sad occasion.
Christmas was difficult, if non-existant and lots of family arguments ensued. Topping it all, I was also in the middle of suffering from severe pain and bleeding from (what was diagnosed AFTER my surgery) as Adenomyosis.
One particular row in the family, led to me pushing away my 17 year old son. he was behaving like a lazy oaf and did absolutely nothing to change it. I kept pushing him to get a job. Clive trawled loads of places to help too and said son simply stayed in bed all day while we did so. He then got sacked from his two night a week evening job for selling drugs (allegedly) under the counter. Upshot was that he left home with all his belongings.
I then fell out with my Mum HUGE style and we are no longer speaking either. Many people will now think I'm heartless because my Mum is lonely without Dad and I should be forgiving but she basically told me I had let my late Dad down and that I should simply accept my son for what he is. All I ever wanted for my son was to get him working (which I know is hard) and able to look after himself in the future. I don't want him to end up as a layabout, workshy, benefits scrounger like some other members of my family.
My son flipped last week and started to send his twin brother, me and Clive death threats over facebook of all places. It got so serious that I had to call the police and get them to go and speak to him. I am at home recovering from a hysterectomy and really am in no shape to cope with this.
I emailed my son to try and rectify the situation, apologise for my part and get him to talk to me. The response was to send me an email telling me I was responsible for my Dads death bed worries and that I was a f**king c**t and so much more. It cut me to the bone! My Dad had been happy to help me out and was so glad when it was all over. Nobody knew he was going to die and it would leave my Mum a bit short, ( I still pay her back every month as agreed)
I know some of you will be reading this and thinking I am a criminal, a useless Mother and a heartless daughter. This is just a summary. I am basically a kind person and I try so hard to make life good for my family. I always have been the one to do all the running around, taking kids to football, having childrens friends over to tea etc. I have never isolated my children, I have always tried hard and, yes, I have made some mistakes, especially how I handled my sons situation. What was over a knee jerk reaction has turned into pure-hatred on his part and I am paying dearly for it now.
Please don't judge me - I simply made mistakes.
THANK-YOU TO JULIE FOR SHARING HER STORY... IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR JULIE PLEASE GO TO HER MEMBER PROFILE (MYSTICALJT) AND EITHER SEND A PRIVATE MESSAGE OR POST A COMMENT ON HER WALL.